The Search to Belong-Chapter One

Growing up in the Church and going to a Christian college, I can relate so much with the initial story he told about going to a small group for the first time. It brought back to me very similar feelings to what he stated he had felt. I wonder, can you relate to this story as well.

The five myths of Belonging.

1. More time=more belonging. Why do we find ourselves believing this lie, when in our own lives we can definitely relate to the falsehood of this statement? Many of my closest friendships have been created without rhyme or reason. We were in the right place at the right time, hit it off and felt very connected to one another. I understand the opposite, thinking of a relationship in my life where we grew up together essentially sharing many of the same experiences. Despite this there was never really a strong friendship. Both of us agree we are friends to one another, but never have experienced a deeper belonging to each other. I am sure you can relate.
2. More commitment=more belonging. I had a little harder time understanding exactly what he was meaning. Then he started talking about his wife’s annual conference. This hit home completely. I have a youth pastor friend that I connect with over design/video. I rarely see him; in fact it has been nearly two years. We talk but maybe once a year. I know however, that anytime I call him we will connect over video and design. He is the guy I would call if I ever have questions, or if I need help with video work. We have a common understanding about our relationship with each other. I know each of you can relate to this kind of relationship as well.
3. More purpose=more belonging. I think all he is saying is we can’t merely change our language and what we do to guarantee that people will belong. In my opinion a culture of belonging over believing must be created more importantly than changing language. I wish he would have expanded more on this point.
4. More personality=more belonging. I love this myth because I am that extroverted person. I explain all the time that just because I am extroverted doesn’t mean I am better off helping someone to belong. Unfortunately being an extrovert can be a crutch that will cause emptiness and troubles later on. For example, I might be able to help someone to belong initially, but am not always able to carry the relationship further; the initial ease in conversation doesn’t always carry over to a daily relationship. Therefore, I can let someone down who felt an initial connection with me. Also many people share stories of being the friendliest, most extroverted person on the outside, but living with loneliness and a desire to belong on the inside. Just because you aren’t an outgoing, gregarious person doesn’t mean you are less likely to help someone to belong!
5. More proximity=more belonging. I think this is very similar to myth one and two. The distance at which we live or interact with someone doesn’t determine the level of belonging we have with that person.
6. More small groups=more belonging. I cringed as I read this final myth. You will understand why I say this more so as you read further in the book, but I am sorry for every time I have ever said, if you really want to experience this Church or community try a LIFE Group. I do believe that as a Church LIFE Groups are doing a phenomenal job at creating community and I wouldn’t change a thing about them other than to develop more. When I say if you really want to experience community or belonging try a LIFE Group, I am stating LIFE Groups are more important than anything else someone might be doing to experience community or belonging. Just because I guide someone into a group doesn’t mean magically the person will experience belonging. Belonging/community is a very natural thing that lives and breathes as an organism does. For this reason and because we desire all people to experience community we have to as LIFE Group hosts become patient, intentional, non-pushy people who willingly love others. We can’t expect to throw someone into a program or formula expecting the end result to be the same for everyone. Belonging is not easy to force or explain, most of the time, it just happens.

I love the end of this chapter and I am curious how it sat with you. We say a person must belong before they are ever going to believe. How then do we reconcile letting them belong the way they want with the feeling of “being called to challenge others to grow in their relationship with God.” Even so, how do we blend our traditional ideas of helping someone grow closer to God with his four ways in which people belong (Public, Social, Personal, Intimate)?